wait no go back
go all the way back
aromantic - i do not once remember ever being in love with someone. i find it rather annoying when people in movies fall in love. like, god, does this have to happen EVERY movie? i do think that love can be quite pretty, though. in certain fictional situations, i can feel emotional vicariously when two characters are madly in love. but love does not occur independently within me. i think an idea exists within me that romantic attraction and common decency cannot coexist. how does one communicate affection for another without being weird?
being with someone sounds nice. i just worry that they would be in love with me and even though i can return loving feelings and actions, i won't ever actually feel what they feel. i guess at a certain point that doesn't really matter. i dunno.
graysexual - this is basically an "i don't know". i'm having a much harder time trying to pin this one down. i am sexually sttracted to the female form distinctly. i do not find the masculine form sexually attractive. i have a less definitive idea of what sexual attraction is, but i cannot imagine any real world scenario in which i end up having sex with someone. i'm too meek. but i also just don't feel like i have a very active libido. i do not fantasize about sex. if i try, i do not imagine a partner that possesses a discernible form. i've never felt sexual frustration as far as i'm aware, and i don't really feel a need for anything more than baseline stimulation, which i can handle by myself. i feel like there's definitely something there, but it's consistently very weak.
~2015 - i was handed a note by some kids who i didn't really get along with. it was a written confession of love from a girl i kinda knew. we were both smart, and were somewhat acquainted with each other. i don't remember any passages from the note. it was hand written on loose leaf, and the writing was messy, so i assumed that it was a prank that the kids who gave it to me tried to pull. i showed it to my friends and laughed, thinking that it was an absurd concept for a girl to be in love with me. i imagined her and i exchanging a knowing glance, one that said "ha! we'd never fall in love with each other."
throughout middle school i heard more and more about people discovering their sexuality and going on dates and stuff. i thought that this was amusing. what do you do on a date with another middle schooler? hang out at your house while your mom makes you grilled cheeses? what a dumb idea. being in love was for high schoolers, i thought. but i never thought about the fact that i might fall in love. love and myself were never placed together in my mind's logic. in freshman year of high school, i was not thinking about love at all. i was enjoying talking with my new friends at a new school. i wonder what would have happened if COVID-19 hadn't resulted in the lockdown and the virtual year. when that was over, i had become so withdrawn that i only spoke to one other person. i'm not sure exactly when, but at around that time i realized that something was amiss. when was i going to fall in love with someone? did i want to fall in love with someone?