Ben (person)
From Wikeipfdia, the squee encyclopedia
This article is about Ben Cossack. For other less interesting people named Ben, see Ben (disambiguation).
i kinda need to re-code wikipedia infoboxes,
and i don't have that kind of html finnesse yet...
Ben Cossack (born 12 January 2005) is a pseudonym for Benjamin █████████████████████████ (/vandərθʊrpənʃnagəlaɪm/). Ben is an American cartoonist, singer-songwriter, filmmaker, activist, and criminal. He is the co-founder of the Scranton Community Against Polygraph Testing (SCAPT), and is credited with writing the 2021 jingle for Kellogg's discontinued cereal Product 19. Ben was formerly known by the pseudonym Tom Warren, and by the screen name Gyakuten. The screen name is still in use on Discord and other websites, but most of his social medias have been changed in some form to Ben Cossack.[1]
Early life
Ben was born James Treyvon Glenander-Squixley, First Viscount of Iggslingtree to Skipper Glenander-Squixley and his wife, Melinda (née Flenanniganinnigain) in Boston, Masssachussetts. [2] He and his family were chased out of the city when they found out he wasn't really a viscount. After changing their names, his family raised him in hiding in Beautiful Holes, a gated community made almost entirely of underground homes in the Pocono Mountains.
In 2009, Ben was struck in the left temple by a meteor.
Political career
Ben has affiliated himself with various anarcho-syndicalist furrypirate organizations and has openly supported "sailing the seven seas and stealing shit from people, mostly doubloons."[3] Ben admits to having stolen a wide variety of "doubloons", which he has hidden in his home.
In 2020, Ben founded the Scranton Community Against Polygraph Testing (SCAPT) with an unknown co-founder. The co-founder claimed to be Jason Schwartzman, but Ben realized too late that such a thing couldn't be possible when he remembered that Jason Schwartzman did not have a large goiter. The partner got away with over $40,000. Nevertheless, Ben continued to promote the organization, which now has over 200 members.
In 2021, Ben stepped down as chairman and Eukter Hahnwürger took his place.
Ben is currently running for first minister of Nunavut despite admitting he had never been there. Ben reasons that "It should be easy enough to win–– I looked around Nunavut on Google Maps and there's, like, nothing there." His official platform lobbies for "more snow".[4]
Crimes
In 2017, Ben was arrested outside his home after being identified as the "Wilkes-Barre Tommer". Ben is connected to the vandalism of countless monuments and statues in the Scranton-Wilkes-Barre area wherein any faces would be covered by a flat piece of cardboard with various instances of Tom Bergeron's face. When interrogated by Scranton police, Ben said: "I remember this segment on AFV in the Bergeron era where they would edit the peoples in the videos' faces so that they have his face on it instead of theirs and I thought it was funny [sic]."[5]
On 20 May 2022, Ben was fined $50,000 for dropping chewing gum in Bob Newhart's hair. Newhart was walking under a bridge and Ben was dropping chewing gum on people's heads as a practical joke but when he realized he had hit Bob Newhart he became frightened and ran away. He was caught by police after he was overheard recounting the story to a friend at a SweetFrog.[6]
Personal Life
Ben lives in his home in Nunya, Pennsylvania with his parents, his brother Arnrøðr the Ruthless, and his two dogs, Circle and Square.
During his time as a furry pirate, Ben has admitted to having several "flings" with his female crewmates, including one with a male. "I'm not gay," Ben stated. "If you knew him, you'd get it."[7]
In 2019, Ben announced his relationship with an mp4 file that depicted a vibraslap being struck, and after it stopped making noise, being dripped on with a glowing liquid. Though it was only 12 seconds long, Ben would reportedly play it over and over, and while it was playing, he would whisper quietly into the screen of his computer. In November of 2020 he accidentally deleted the file while cleaning up storage on his computer.
Deaths
- June 1, 2005, 10:02 AM - Fell off a bridge while fleeing Boston.
- December 25, 2007, 2:55 AM - Eaten by Santa (thought he was cookie)
- February 29, 2009, 12:00:01 AM - Accidentally existed here, lost to oblivion.
- October 13, 2013, 11:21 PM - Whisked away and shot into space in a cannon by his future self.
- November 2, 2015, 9:39 AM - Died of mouth herpes.
- January 12, 2018, 3:03 PM - Was crushed by an old bronze bell after seeing the movie Coco and attempting a dangerous stunt from the film.
- July 31, 2018, 8:10 PM - squished a ant so it squished him back
- September 20, 2019, c. 5:00 PM - Died of hypoxia after trapping himself in a school locker.
- March 31, 2020, 4:08 AM - Died due to several bacterial infections after habitually sucking on his pet Asiatic clams.
Footnote
This last part was not in the original Wikipedia article. The original article was deleted on August 25, 2022, by a certain stuck-up cretin who I will not name. Among other things (probably), my page went against Wikipedia's guidelines that only permit limited autobiographical information and do not permit users' user pages to be like a social media profile or something. Basically, it's not your playground. And I misunderstood that. Though I should not resent the crooked witch who deleted my Wikipedia user page, I still do because it's funny. You probably don't know who you are, but up yours all the same.
- ^ Cossack, Ben. "the change (an important announcement)".
- ^ Jones, Werner. "Family chased out of Boston after viscountship falsified".
- ^ Matthew, Perry. "This squadron of furry pirates is coming to ransack your village".
- ^ Cossack, Ben. "Ben Cossack's Official Campaign Advertisement for First Minister of Nunavut".
- ^ van Wyngarden, Ernest. "Wilkes-Barre Tommer identified".
- ^ Jones, Bricks. "Charlatan drops gum in Bob Newhart's hair".
- ^ Chicago Tribune, 19 June 2019. "Interview with Ben"
