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This article is about Ben Glenander. For other Bens who have also been in a house, see Ben (disambiguation).

John Benjamin Schuyler Glenander (born James Harlan Benjamin Schuyler Whitespot Glenander; 12 January 2005), doing business as Ben in a House, is an American cartoonist, singer-songwriter, director, activist, and felon.^[1] He is most well known for his several attempts to illegally air television pilots he financed and directed on public access television, and for having kidnapped a magical unicorn on his property for two years. Ben has published artwork, poetry, and music under the names Gyakuten, Tom Warren, and Errol Warwick.

Early life

Ben was born James Harlan Benjamin Schuyler Whitespot Glenander, First Viscount of Weatherby Treatise to Charles Abner "Skipper" Glenander and his wife, Martha Winnifred (née Hundredthousand-Whitespot) in Boston, Masssachussetts.^[2] His birth instigated an investigation by the Boston Social Register, which quickly revealed that there never was a viscounty called Weatherby Treatise, and the title had been fabricated by Ben's great-grandmother, Crystal Lynne Thoroughgood. Thoroughgood was a notorious con artist who ran numerous scams throughout Massachusetts in the early 20th century.^[3] After changing their names, his parents raised him in hiding in Beautiful Holes, a gated community made almost entirely of underground homes in the Pocono Mountains.

In 2009, Ben was struck in the left temple by a meteor.

Political career

Ben has affiliated himself with various anarcho-syndicalist furry pirate organizations and has openly supported "sailing the seven seas and stealing shit from people, mostly doubloons." Ben admits to having stolen a wide variety of "doubloons", which he has hidden in his home.

In 2020, Ben founded the Scranton Community Against Polygraph Testing (SCAPT) with an unknown co-founder. The co-founder claimed to be Jason Schwartzman, but Ben realized too late that such a thing couldn't be possible when he remembered that Jason Schwartzman did not have a large goiter. The partner got away with over $40,000. Nevertheless, Ben continued to promote the organization, which now has over 200 members.

In 2021, Ben stepped down as chairman and Eukter Hahnwürger took his place.

Ben is currently running for first minister of Nunavut despite admitting he had never been there. Ben reasons that "It should be easy enough to win–– I looked around Nunavut on Google Maps and there's, like, nothing there." His official platform lobbies for "more snow".^[4]

Crimes

In 2017, Ben was arrested outside his home after being identified as the "Wilkes-Barre Tommer". During his trial, he was connected to the vandalism of countless monuments and statues in the Scranton-Wilkes-Barre area by replacing all human faces depicted with a flat piece of cardboard with various instances of Tom Bergeron's face. When interrogated by Scranton police, Ben said: "I remember this segment on AFV in the Bergeron era where they would edit the peoples in the videos' faces so that they have his face on it instead of theirs and I thought it was funny [sic]." He was fined $50,000 and sentenced to one month in prison for serial vandalism, poor etiquette, and general recalcitrance.^[5]

On 20 May 2022, Ben was fined $50,000 for allegedly dropping chewing gum in Bob Newhart's hair. He was identified as the man overheard confessing to a friend at a SweetFrog 2 hours after the crime occurred. The charges were dropped 4 months later. Ben maintains his innocence.^[6]

On 2 September 2025, Ben's property was being investigated by Immigration and Customs Enforcement after an anonymoys caller contacted their tip line and alleged that Ben had illegally entered an interracial marriage. While searching his study, officers found an emaciated young male magical unicorn standing completely still against the wall opposite to the door. It told the officers not to take it away, and that Ben was a "goddy thing from up the sky" who was taking good care of it. When asked why it was emaciated, the unicorn simply restated that it was being taken good care of.^[7] The ICE squadron was disappointed with the insufficient amount of apparent anti-American paraphernalia in the house, and decided to rescue the unicorn since they had made all the effort of searching his home.

Ben was arrested when he arrived home on the same day, and his case was heard in court on 29 September. On October 9, he was sentenced to 5 years of house arrest for kidnapping, child neglect, and vaguely anti-American sentiment. The unicorn was sent to a Montessori school for magical unicorns with brain damage or severe psychological trauma. During his trial, Ben confessed that he had found the young unicorn "on the ground" outside his home and he "wanted to have it" in his study.^[8]

Personal Life

Ben lives under house arrest in Jessup, Pennsylvania with his imaginary wife Carrie and over 1,000 pets, mostly invertebrates.^[9]

In 2024, Ben inexplicably began sleeping for up to 18 hours at a time, and able to recall over 6 hours of dreams when he woke up. In these vivid dreams, he met a shapeshifting figure named Carrie who took several animal forms, but most often appeared as a small angel who called herself Carrie. He announced that he confessed his love to her and they subsequently began a relationship in December. They got married the next month.^[10] Soon after, Ben started sleeping for a more normal amount of time, but he maintained that even while he was awake he could communicate and interact with Carrie.

On ██ ██████ 2025, Ben's mother left the house, claiming to have seen a light. She said it seemed like she needed to go see it. She walked very slowly out of the house, without bringing anything with her. Ben has only ever been relayed this story from other people, and doesn't know what actually happened. He doesn't want to know.

Deaths

Ben has claimed to have died in over 51 ways. He has never explained why any of these events has never resulted in his actual cessation of life and activity.

• June 1, 2005, 10:02 AM - Fell off a bridge and into a creek while fleeing Boston.
• December 25, 2007, 2:55 AM - Eaten by Santa (thought he was cookie)
• February 29, 2009, 12:00:01 AM - Accidentally existed here, lost to oblivion.
• October 13, 2013, 11:21 PM - Whisked away and shot into space in a cannon by his future self.
• November 2, 2015, 9:39 AM - Died of mouth herpes.
• January 12, 2018, 3:03 PM - Was crushed by an old bronze bell after seeing the movie Coco and attempting a dangerous stunt from the film.
• July 31, 2018, 8:10 PM - squished a ant so it squished him back
• September 20, 2019, c. 5:00 PM - Died of hypoxia after trapping himself in a school locker.
• March 31, 2020, 4:08 AM - Died due to several bacterial infections after habitually sucking on his pet Asiatic clams.

1. ^ Glenander, Benjamin. "ben-cool-webpage".
2. ^ Delplacid, Marguerite. "Fake marquess and family chased out of Boston".
3. ^ Matthew, Perry. "This squadron of furry pirates is coming to ransack your village".
4. ^ Cossack, Ben. "Ben Cossack's Official Campaign Advertisement for First Minister of Nunavut".
5. ^ van Wyngarden, Ernest. "Wilkes-Barre Tommer identified".
6. ^ Jones, Bricks. "Charlatan drops gum in Bob Newhart's hair".
7. ^ Scranton Times-Tribune, 30 September 2025. "Magical unicorn found chained up in musician's house".
8. ^ Chicago Tribune, 19 June 2019. "Interview with Ben"
9. ^ Chicago Tribune, 19 June 2019. "Interview with Ben"
10. ^ Chicago Tribune, 19 June 2019. "Interview with Ben"